Frustration 101: The Life of a Teen

End of a Saga...

2005-07-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

I'm leaving Blogspot. I will always have this link to this looovely part of my teenage life but I find this isn't what I want.

Livejournal... much better!

Lol Well surely feel free to visit my livejournal account.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/leebeewilly

Please don't forget, live life and love every moment.

Sweet and sour.

Happy Hunting.

HOLY CRAP! It's the end of a Saga!

2005-07-08T17:42:00.000-04:00

HOLY CRAP!!!

Just to reitterate. HOLY CRAP!!! It's been a WHILE since I've been on here, and Well that kinda sucks.

Life, as you can all assume (my failthful readers >.<') has been 'blah'.

So much has happened between well november and now that I don't know what to comment on.
I'm going to University! WEEEEEE!!!!!!

Those who do know me, already know this much.
But really, life's starting to calm down. I think I'm fading from your typical teen stage and moving on to the 'moderately responsible post adolescence' stage.
Moderately repsonsible...

I've been roleplaying alot, which is always good for the soul. Gets the hopeless romantic tendencies out of the system for a short while, but as always the big bitch rears her head making the lonely come back.

Simon and I are finished. Long done, which makes me sad but it's a part of life.
He woudl still like to be friends, and in my hopes of getting over the whole 'fall in love with the unattainable' I'm trying to.
Though not very hard mind you.

I find that Love, well what I think love is, really isn't LOVE. I fall for people but I don't know if I've been in love. You always hear, 'you know when you're in love. You just know.'
Well I don't think I know because I was constantly second guessing myself and my feelings. I liked the idea of loving Simon, and I know I still have some reminiscent feelings for him.

But Lisa needs to move on. Lisa needs to find herself and stop living to 'be' with another person. I don't need a man to be happy, well or women either.

I just need me.

As always I start babbling but this time I think it's the good kind of bable.
ButMother dearest just arrived so alas, I must go.

I think my teen's are somewhat over now, though I remain in the last year of an ending saga.

No more Frustrations of a Teen.

Just Life this time.

So I guess I'll see you in Life sometime.

Sicnerely, and forever yours, Lisa.

Oh and of course,
Happy Hunting.

Ahh, C'est la Vie! Version 1.2

2004-11-23T13:55:00.000-05:00

Well once again I've been lazy as of late, lacking in the posting and the speaking of my life. Not too much has changed really, juts my views and goals.
I think I'lll give you an update, the 1.2 version of Me!
I've decided what I'm going to do with my life. Again you say? Of course! I'm indecisive but I think I've made some sort of descision.
History and Writing. My passions. I think I'll learn them and see where they take me for the next while. University choice still up in the air, but I'm getting there ><'
The cool thing is that I might be moving into an apartment with two of my friends! It's pretty cool, and I think it will be the best thing for me for the next while.
We're gonna move into a 3 bedroom apartment for 1200/month. 400$ each so I think I'm getting a good deal. If I do this I will be going to a university in the area which solevs another problem. So Yeah!
Ummmm, what else.....oh yeah! Simon.
I've 'met', if you can really all it that yet, but I've 'met' this guy named Simon. He's Irish. He's sweet, goofy, funny, all the right things. And you know what-he makes me smile. I don't have to be something I'm not, I'm just me-Though it is online- but I'm still just me and well, that makes me happy to!
He's coming to Canada. For personal reasons, and to sorta see me. I guess I'm just the 'perk' of the arrangement but I dunno, there's something so romantic and classic about meeting him. I think we've become really close, and what sucks is I've only told a few friends about it. I guess in a way I don't want them to try and stop me from seeing him-I'm determined to meet Simon and I know my friends have a pretty good hold on me in some aspects and I really dont' want to loose someone like him that I have such a connectiong with.
What's really nice is I need someone like him in my life. Preferrably more than a friend, but even if it doesn't work that way-I think he's the kinda person I'll know for the rest of my life. I'd ask if you'd think that was creepy, but at this point what others think doesn't matter. It's what he and I think, and we think it's a-o-k!

Well I'm blabbering....as usuall, an knowing me I'll send him my blogspot and he'll read all my mishaps and such for the next while. ...but I have to admit-the accent is sexy!

Hehe, well take care and
Happy Hunting.

"Use love with caution. Persons who do not know the meaning of life should use with Parental supervision."

2004-09-14T15:25:00.000-04:00

Everyone listens to music. Everyone listens to songs, and sing the lyrics, many people memorize them, but how many people understand them? How many people look at them and see the actual 'meaning' of the words.
Well I was just sitting here, having nothing particularily interesting to do when I thought about this song I'd been listening to for the last few days. Nothing really special about the song, it's a duet, really pretty-so then me being the thinker(bad lisa!) I look at the lyrics.
"From this day on...
I'm certain that I'll never be alone
I know what my heart must have always known...
That love has a power that's all it's own"

That Love has a power thats all it's own. Something about that made me, the pesimist, think twice. The song is about two lovers, who obviously can't be together, two people who will still love one another though they can't be together.
But what has the heart always known about love's power?? I think the heart knows how strong love is, how good it can make you feel but also how easily it can ruin a life.
Love is Power.
And with power comes responsiblity. We've all heard that one before, thanks to my personal friend Mr. Tolkien, so that leads me to my next question-when has love ever been held accountable for the terrible things it's caused? Since when has love ever been said to carry responsibility? Everyone thinks love is this amazing thing, this life long goal that once you attain the world is all well, but I dont' think so.
Love should come with a warning label: "Use love with caution. Persons who do not know the meaning of life should use with Parental supervision."
I mean honestly, all these agencies, religions, fads, promote "Love" as this perfect thing.
It destroys people.
Now I know what your probably thinking 'Wtf Lisa, Love's a part of life." and yes, I agree, Love is a very important part of life. All I'm saying is that it should be approached with caution.
"Love like you'll never be hurt." But you will be!! Love will always equal pain and suffering and sadness.
Yet somethings in the world will always equal pain, suffering and sadness.
Power is like that, hence Love is Power.

But I'm just your average love scorned woman, well teen-sorta. But I digress.
Just be careful, is what I think I'm trying to say. Just be careful.

Happy hunting, and I swear to you the body under the bed was there before Jimmy went missing. I swear! ;)

Somethings gotta give

2004-09-07T22:04:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year. Time to start again, start fresh, start a living nightmere that is HIGH SCHOOL.
Yes thats right kiddies, I'm back in high school for my 'victory lap'. Don't get me wrong ladies and gents, I graduated, buuuut to get into lovely university I need to take some courses that make my head spin.
But along with school comes the realization of what's next.
Growing up.
I mean the real stuff. Looking around your classes realizing you don't seea single friend in sight, and knowing that even without the moral hooplay you're used to from your buds you're still there, still trying and still living.
Yet thats not the only thing on my mind these days. Well this day, seeing as school really just started today, but moving on.
At first I was thinking about myself and my lack of beautiful physical appearence. Or to be blunt, I'm fat. I don't like being fat, but I do very little about myself being fat. And last night, as I put on my outftit I was to wear the next day I realised, somethings gotta give.
Something has got to change. And that something is me.

"Look today
Look hard.
See today
See it's hard
Do today,
Do whats hard
Look today,
Look everyday."
L.G.Wilson
This is whats going to change. I'm going to look everyday, see everything and do what I must to be happy.
That doesn't mean a size two with ballemia, that means a size 16w with a smile.
I don't want to have to shop with my mom and see her almost cry.
I don't want to have to shop in the 'plus' section at Walmart because I can't fit into anything else.
And I don't want to look in the mirror and wish I was someone else.
Because I shouldn't have to want to be someone else, I'm good, in fact I'm a great person. I may not be a Princess Di, or a Brittney Spears, or an Avril Lavigne. I don't need to be them, or anyone else to know I'm a good person.
I have reasons and proof I'm a good person. I have friends that care about me, I have famliy that loves me and I do have enemies that loath me. Without those enemies I wouldn't be able to be good enough to my friends and famliy to appreciate them when they're around.
So something has got to give, something is giving and when it gives way I'll be ready to be me. Plain old bossy, know-it-all, perfectionist with horney and morbid tendencies Lisa-Marie.
Just Lisa-Marie.
But with a smile.
I'll do whats hard. I'll start today, I'll do it tomorrow, and I'll continue everyday, even when the smile won't go away.

Look today.

Look everyday.

But here is my question to you, the reader, the listener or my tales.Do you need to look?

Happy Hunting.

"I stand Alone and Strong"

2004-08-22T17:39:00.000-04:00

Life's funny sometimes. You get dealt good hands, bad ones, and ones you need a partner to help you through with. I've been a bit nastalgic lately, don't really know why, but I've been taking a bit of time to look back and 'try', emphasis on try, to figure some things out.

Not too long ago I did something very selfish. A good friend of mine, Amanda S. and I seemed to stop talking to one another. I don't know why, and I wish it hadn't happened cuz I felt terrible, but for some reason I couldn't go and talk to her about it.
Even now I still don't know what 'it' was that was bothering me so much. But me and my pride will never let me actually say something to her. Maybe she'll read this and it'll make some sence, so I don't have to. But the kicker is, she's going away for university now. Far away. And the last few weeks I'd get to spend with one of my best friends I spent avoiding her, cuz well I guess I'm a bad person.

I've been thinking about things lately. Stuff like, am I doing the right thing with my life? I've always been head to head with most of my friends, and now everyone's a head of me. Everyone was soo ready for university and college, but when it came down to it I was soo unsure.
I'm staying behind another year of high school. Oh I've graduated, and I would have been accepted to many different universities for my marks in english, music and history. But I'm not going. I think I'm stalling. I think maybe this year is just delaying the fact that I'm scared. Scared if going away and leaving everything I know and hold strong behind.

I've been thinking about alot lately. Like what will happen if I ever grow up. I don't want to, because then I'll have to deal with things. Just like I can't deal with Amanda, I can't deal with life in general. I'm always trying to escape life and be something I'm not. I've never been happy with myself, it's no secret, but it's getting to the point where I'm affecting others with my scared avoiding techniques. Haha.
Always a dreamer.

But I have been thinking. Its time for me to grow up, to change and be stronger. I was talking to a friend about high school and I came across something I think that maybe I should start living by,

"I stand alone and strong."
And I do stand alone, and now I will be strong.

Happy Hunting.

Epiphany

2004-06-30T22:12:00.000-04:00

I have had my epiphany of the summer. I have finally come to terms with the fact that the feelings I have for Adam are NOT returned. But I had believed that this would be harder to accept than it really is. I'm not attractive, so theregoes the part where he falls for me-so if I logically look at my scenario I had no chance in hell! But really I'm ok with it. I've decided that well I need a new obsession in my life, don't know what it'll be but I certainly do need a new obsession.
I had a friend ask me one time, completely off topic from my new obsession, but he asked me" What do you like about Adam?". I was almost completely stumped. I couldn't really think of anything positive that I liked about him(or do like) other than one tiny ity-bit of information that to Adam and the rest of the world wouldn't have matterd; made me smile.
Now you might think, make Lisa smile-Thats reaaaaaaaaally easy! Just Say Thong and she's out for the count. But its a differnt kind of smile. Just thinking about him, just having him look at me, or just talking about him made and stil does make me smile. I feel sad that he doesn't feel the same way but this is life. No one is ever going to love me the way I love them-NO ONE. But maybe it's about just being happy-not perfect, in love, in lust, in sex, just in Happy.
Well there I go again, being the girl who likes to get lost in her epiphanies! Well at least there foods good.
Take care, and I hope that one day-Once upon a non-existing plain of existance-I fall 'in Happy' with not only myself, but someone else-and my epiphany!
Happy hunting, and don't shoot the rabbit-it's not the rabbit fault your dead, I swear!

Love

2004-06-15T20:47:00.000-04:00

Recently I've been the moral advisor for a close friend of mine. She is currently 'with' someone. Now I use this term 'with' instead of dating, or in love, or dealing and all the other slangs beacuse the cause for this moral advisory was the fact that they are only 'with' one another and arn't sincerely any of the above. I feel bad for my friend, she has had a few relationships that ended not so nicely and I'm glad she's taking the time to look at this current one and do somthing about it. Her boyfriend, of course, has no idea what is going on and is 'with' someone for the first time ever.
Now her delema is the fact that she and he have different definitions of 'love'.
The definition I go by is kind of simple and is used by Dictionary.com "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness." Now personally I find the oneness part the MOST important and here's my friends problem, she feels the physical attraction and affection but not the oneness. She doesn't feel like she loves him, which really sucks because she knows he's a good guy and deosn't want to lose him and she also doens't want to hurt him.
So her question to me was 'what do I do?' And me having absoultely no experience in these sort of things goes on to tell her what I think I would do. I think I made sence but then something kept on nagging at me the entire time she was speaking. Her boyfriend. You see he really is a great guy and me being the great friend that doesn't say anything until it's too late to say anything at all had a bit of a crush on this guy before hand. Before she ever dated him, or anything, so I felt VERY guilty for giving any advice (which did end up being break up with him). It was the right thing to do, morally, to end the relationship with her boyfriend. But I felt guilty.
She feels guilty and sad, I feel guilty and unwanted, he'll feel really shitty tonight when he gets the news, and everyone's just so damn unhappy!So it makes me wonder, Is 'Love' really worth it??

Hell Yes.

Happy hunting.

Tired

2004-04-18T22:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I just get tired. Tired of everything, tired of people lying to me, tired of just generally people and even sometimes I just get very tired with myself.
I'm paranoid, always have been, probably always will be. I don't want to be paranoid, it creates problems in my life a majority of the time. Men for example, I believe there's something there that isn't and I scew up everything. I'm tired of screwing up my own life, but how do you stop something like that? How can you just stop being who you've always been to change into someone ten times better than you ever dreamed.
You know, it's a simple answer. YOU DON'T. No one can change like that, and if they do it's not real, just a fake face lain down to protect oneself from harm. I wish I could wear a different face sometimes, become someone else. Maybe to be seen, maybe to fall into the shadows but I'm never able to either when I need to.
Sometimes I just don't like how other people treat me. Use me, ignore me, either or I'm just sick of it. I don't like people only calling me or only talking to me when there's a party going on, I don't like people who make casual conversation because they feel they need to , I want them to want to talk to me, cuz if you don't Fuck off. I don't need pity, I don't need your hollow sentences and questions to which you don't even listen to the answer.
How many times a dat does someone say how are ya? and then never really hears your answer? Never really cares how you really are. Hell I'm sure if someone asked me and I said 'Fucking shitty as hell" they'd smile and say "Thats great, I'm pretty good myself" I'm just really fucking tired of people.
Sometiems it makes me think, whats the point? Why do I bother talking to people at all anymore. There's a few reasons-You can't do much in this world anymore without dealing with people and I'm just like the rest. I ask questions I really don't hear the answer to, say the same opening lines in coversations and have the same damned boring coversations as always. So few people now give me anything special, anything that means something to me. I want to be able to sit down and talk with someone not about what we said last time we talked, something new. I don't want to spend 45 minutes talking about what we could maybe do this weekend, I really don't fucking feel like talking about the latest gossip we've all heard but rehear because we have nothing important to say.
I want to have something to say, something to talk about that isn't the same, isn't the boring shit we taked about last week. Sometimes i doubt what people I call friends are actually 'friends'.

I'm tired of the paranoia, tired of the weak relationships and frankly I'm tired of me.
But I'll be damned if I'll do anything about it, damned if I ever say a word to those people I repeat the same conversations with every week about how I really can't stand them, and damned if I'll ever change.

You know sometimes I wonder, who think like I do? Who else is tired in all the same ways...
And sometiems I wonder why I even give a fuck.

Baby Steps

2004-04-05T16:53:00.000-04:00

Life is full of mistakes.
Big ones, like a pilot not turning on the landing gear, to small ones, like using blue ink on an application form when it specifically says black. Everyone makes mistakes as well, thats how we learn. You do something wrong you then learn to not do it again. But here's the kicker, why do people make the same mistakes over and over again. Like spelling misteaks, I mean mistakes, why do they happen over and over again. Spelling mistakes are easy ones because the concequences arn't fatal (Thank god!) so we don't learn quite as easily as we would a drunk driver who crashes. He'll never drink and drive again or at least we hope he wouldn't.
What about love? People make mistakes in relationships constantly, but why? It's not like it's not a hard lesson, oh it is! You fall in love with someone and it doesn't work out, I'd think thats one of the hardest lessons anyone would ever learn yet it happens over and over to people everyday, of every year of every lifetime. I've heard the saying 'love none and you'll never hurt but love none and you'll never feel' but what kind of feel matters. Yes I know with what good there is, there must be bad or we wouldn't cherish the good but why can't we just do it right the first or seccond time? Why do we have to go back trying and trying over and over again getting 'burned' more and more each time we go back to 'love'.
I dont' think I would like to go back each and everytime only to get hurt. I'd like to wait until I know that the first or second time I try will be the last time I need to try. But how can I be sure? How can anyone be sure that the one time they decide not to try because they're too tired of being hurt is the one time that would have ended all attempts, that the love they decided not to act on was the one that would show all others to have been the training steps, the baby steps one needed to take to get to true love.
Maybe thats the real answer to love. That all the heartbreak in the world only prepares you for the perfection you will eventually find.
Then again, I'd rather not go through torment just to wait for the next torment until my time comes. I'll take fate into my own hands one day and decide then that I'll love again.

Well take care, and Happy Hunting.

Walk in the Rain

2004-03-28T19:29:00.000-05:00

Last night was an odd night. For the first time in a long while I was completely smashed while with my friends. It was an ok experience, yes I was trashed and yea I regret a few things I said and did but it was an ok night. My friend though, I feel like I ruined her time. She was the one holding this hootany and she wanted a good time. I helped her plan this and along the way I thought about myself a bit more than her. When the party began I was set on the mission of not remembering the night, not remebering my life, or my problems though they are small. I wasn't thinking about what she wanted, what she needed to have fun.
There were a fair amount of people there. Adam was there. The generic name for the guy I fell for pretty hard. And when he came I didn't think about my friend. I thought about getting trashed and passing out on my own.
Instead, one of my friends attending this party, a friend I had invited, got really trashed. He's on pills and well he drank too fast. I was the only one at the party who knew he was on medication, so I think I should have said something. But I didn't until it was way too late. He got sick, really sick. Even now the day later he's still naucious and well not soo good. I feel responsible because he was my friend and also because I couldn't comfort him while he was at his low point because I was too drunk.
My friends say it's not my fault, not my choice and that it was his but thats not why I was crying. I wouldn't dare tell them, but I was crying because of nothing. Because I simply had nothing important to cry about and I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. They kepy on telling me that 'It's ok Lisa, you didn't force him to drink' and everytime they said it I was wishing I had. Not to hurt my friend, I couldn't do that, but so that I knew I had something to be upset about other than the lack of having nothing to be happy about.
I went for a walk that night. It wasn't rainging as the title of this would lead you to think, but I wanted it to, something to go back with. I didn't cry while I walked, the only reason I cried at all that night was because I wanted to get his attention, both my drunk friend and 'Adam' one to help, one for me. It didn't work, 'Adam' only noticed me as the drunken crying girl while her friend got sick in the bathroom.
But while I walked around the street, no shoes, drunk, I talked to myself. A good conversation that I think I needed to have. I thought about a lot of things that night, about myself mostly. I came to a conclusion, I need to stop thinking all together to stop dreaming and to simply accept the reality around me. I am unnatractive, average intelligence, a lazy dreamer with loftty ambitions, a depenable friend when sober and a lousy drunk when not, a romantic who'll never truely possess romance, a writer, a singer, someone to listen to, someone to talk to.
That day, when I got drunk I did a lot of other things. I went to a competition with a few of my friends. It was their competition and they didn't understand why I came, but when they went out there nervous, unprepared, scared they turned to me for a smile. If I hadn't been there they wouldn't have had their smile, a smile that let them know that no matter what happened it'd be there when they walked off that parade square a winner or loser. They needed that smile, like I needed to be smiling.
With all the bad that comes with me, as much as it is, I made someone happy. Even if it was the most insignificant thing in their day it meant something to the both of us, and that makes me smile. And you know what? I still want it to rain, I still want to walk in the rain but not crying. I'll walk smiling.

Take care, and smile. Even when it's the last thing you want to do, it just might be the one thing you truely need.
Happy hunting.

Wanna get Inspired?

2004-03-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

No matter how many tiems i say that, it always sounds dirty!!
Well here it is, the wonderful e-mail I recieved inspiring myself into the wonderful acts i am/was partaking in today!
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY...... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Canadians cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go-round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance

Happy Hunting!

Inspiration has it's value!

2004-03-23T20:18:00.000-05:00

Well it's been a good long while since i wrote a blog, and I'm in the creative mood.

I have been inspired.

It was actually an e-mail that was sent to me from my aunt. It was all about taking life now and knowing it for the moment. It made me call my dad and have a conversation with him I needed to have. Nothing special really, just talking for the hell of it. It worked, I feel better, I think he feels better. The e-mail was really quite lovely, sad at some points, but still lovely in it's own way. I'll leave a copy in another blog so you may be Inspired!

But thats not the only inspiration lately. I've started swimming, to loose weight. There are severeal reason why I'm doing this, one of course which is to show Adam that I'm beautiful, I'm sexy, and I'm worth more than 100 men's efforts to court me! I like using old terms like 'courting' makes me feel just a tiny bit smarter than I know I'll never be! Also because i hate myself when i look in the mirror. It's not one of those 'I hate me, I hate the world!' kind of deals, but i just get so angry when I look in the mirror and see someone that doesn't feel like me. So I want to change how i feel and how I see me. It'll be more than just a physical change, it'll be soo much more! When I feel better about how I look I'll be happier knowing I'm not the one guys point at and say 'wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole' and you know being noticed less in a negative way.
I feel guilty at times because I say things about people when i really shouldn't. That their faults can be found in myself if I ever let someone close enough. But then again to be where I am I must have some pretty visable faults.
But yes, inspiration can do alot of things. Can make you ask for something you never knew you wanted, find a talent you never knew you had, and build the confidence you've always wanted. I hope maybe out there someone reads this and thinks 'I've always wanted to "Blank", I think I just might!' and goes and does it.
Thats what it's all about, doing what you want in life. It's the very meaning. Doing what you always wanted to do in life is what you'll be remembered for not for what you always wanted to do but never did. Be happy, have your extra peice of cake, take the plunge, tell the person you love that well you love them! Never know when they'll go ou of town and never come back. Spur of the moment babes, thats what it's all about!!
Take care, and remember- if you didn't seee me do it, I'm probably still quilty!
Happy hunting.

"The Off Day"

2004-02-24T19:55:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had an off day? You know a day when everything goes completely right and you don't quite know why, or who set it up, and what they might want in compansation?? Today was one of those days, where i was completely paranoid and for once everything didn't go bad. It started in the morning when i got up rreeeeaaaly early, and i never get up reeeeaaaly early. I was bored so i blow dried my hair and put on makeup and the whole bit (which if you know me personally i NEVER do). It was weird. The rest of the day just seemed to pass sooo quickly (to my luck) and it just seemed like an overall ok day. I havn't written in a while and tonight i had the time, even though i really didn't use it to the best of my ability. Sometimes it's just nice to be able to do the things you want to even though you never actually get around to doing them.
No overdue assingments, no previous engagements, just a few chores and them i'm absolutely freee tonight. Even though it's already tonight..... but who said i have to make sence.
It's funny, i sit here trying to find something interesting, intellectual, inspiring or just damned hilarious to say but i can't. Thikning sometimes gets in the way of thinking... hehe. I wanted to do something and i think venting like this (even though i'm not saying all that much of importantce) kinda helps the juices to flow, to get the mind working. Maybe i'll go draw, or insult my brother-they are both very creative activities.
I do have a busy week ahead of me though, that should keep myself busy. Have a huge Biology test, chemistry quiz in there somewhere, ask the guy i fell for to prom, go skating with friends on friday, ask the guy i fell for to prom because i didn't do it before friday! There is a method to my maddness!
But yea about the whole Prom thing, i don't know how i'm gonna do it! I really don't. Hell i could use some advice right now, from friends, strangers: how do you ask a guy to prom so that if he wants to go as a couple you can, but if he wants to go as just friends you can?? See, i'm horrrible. But what can you do-With all this teen angst i might as well turn to the masses to save my chidish chickened out ass!
if you really do havea suggestion e-mail me, at leebeewilly@hotmail.com
I'm soooo open to any kind of suggestion or even comments. (if you aboslutely hate me, please refrain from sending hate-mail, it doesn't nescesarily effect me and would actually be more of a waste of your time rather than mine!!)
Toodles, and happy hunting.

"I'll call!"

2004-02-22T18:33:00.000-05:00

A simple phase isn't it? So many people say it, but how many ever actually 'call back'. I do it all the time, and feel horrible about it but do you think it'd be just cause to end a relationship??
Currently my friend "Chris" is dating this girl named "Kris". They're perfect for eachother, even though they fight a fair bit. Yet they have had several 'conversations' about this problem about calling. She wants him to call, but he never does. So she gets angry and then he doesn't call because she's angry! The cycle is endless!! But here's the catch, I am completely caught in the middle. On one end i can side with "Chris" because he's beinga bit smothered by her and who wnats to call their girlfriend when they're in the dog house. Then i have to agree with "Kris" because if someone says they will call, they should! But it made me think, why do people say things they don't mean? To save someone from getting hurt, so protect them or even ones self from harm. Is that wrong? Maybe, if they perosn you are trying to protect finds out, and gets hurt even more for loosing trust in someone. Or if you end up hurting your own position later by trying to protect yourself with a quickie lie.
What about lying for all the wrong reasons? Take my situation fro example, I have a thing, well more than a thing, for a guy friend of mine. He doesn't feel the same about me. He knows how i feel. But what if i tell him I'm over him? What if i say 'I DID like you, now the attractions gone." IT's a bald faced lie, and it would hurt me to say something like that, but here's the kicker-what if it makes him feel bad? A girl DID like him, now she doesn't, what happened? Or he could be hiding his feelings for me (extremely unlikely but possible) how would he then feel? There are a million reasons why what i say could hurt him but then there's the obvious one that could make him happy. "She doens't like me anymore, therefore i can be me, i don't have to act unconfortable, don't have to feel like i'm leading her on by being around her, we can just be friends." The real sack in the groin, "WE CAN JUST BE FRIENDS" What if i don't want to just be friends? What if i can't handle it? But then how would it make me feel if he was just with me because he pitty's me. How would i view myself, as the girl who's pittied by someone she loves.
It's not fair. Alot of life's not fair. It hurts when you find something you want, or feel you need soo bad and it just can't work out. You hope, beyond hope that one day it'll be better but it never is. Because this is life. When you want them to call they won't. When you want them to back away they can't. And when you absolutely need them to look into your eyes and say nothing at all they'll look away. Because this is life.

Teen Drama #1

2004-02-01T17:07:00.000-05:00

Well first post in a while and this ones juicy! I havn't had the greatest life, specially when it comes to love but i still fall fro it every time. The same guy keeps walking into mylife. He doesn't have any interest in me but like always i imagine something that just probably isn't there. HE's soo nice and he's just trying to be nice but really i want him to be soooo much more. (but he's not interested) so i deal! Sometimes i dream that it's how i want it to be, but it's never that way. I'll live though, if only to be his friend, a shoulder to lean on.
Is it fair though? To have to wait for someone, or to just 'settle' because the one you thikn you care about doesn't give a shit about you? but then when you 'settle' how do you know that you weren't suppost to settle and that the person that you 'settled' for or stopped trying fro was the one you were supposed t be with? I don't think i'm making much sence. Sometimes it feels like he's pittying me, but then the way he looks, could it be he's intrigued or interested?
So many questions, and no answers. Other than 'I need to know for myself first'. Bullshitt! Thats what i say. I know he was trying to be nice, but just tell it straight, don't give me a hope so you cna smash it later when you need a pick-me-up! Then again i just might be bitter because he's freckin rich!!
But i'm not bitter. Me, no NEVER! Hehe. For teh first time i'm happy about being dissreagarded as a 'suitable' partner of someones.
He's such a contradiction-he likes clothes more than i do and trust me he's not gay, he talks about women too much to be gay!
Well i think i'll eventual;ly just deal with it. You know, get on with my life-Deal with the Teenage Drama that comes and goes. Semester two of school started so i have something new for me now!
Tkae care readers, until the next Drama of the Teen.

Productive? I think Not!!

2003-12-07T01:45:00.000-05:00

Like usual doing pretty much nothing. Sitting at my friend Matt's house with Tricia and stuff is messed up with one of his friends. It's really none of my business but i find i'm giving advice even that can cause problems. If he says Dude one more f**ing time i'm gonna kill that Bastard!!! Like usual things are difficult, but today was a nice break. I was supposed to do things productive but instead i hung out with my friends most of the day. Productive? I think NOT! but hell i had fun. Their gonna go pick up the drunk friend right now, once again the problems in my teenage life. Then again it's not really my problem but it's the problem of a friend and i feel obligated.
It's 1:30 in the morning, and surprisingly i'm not tired. I felt like pouring my soul out tonight but i think i'll settle for a minute by minute play of what i'm/friends are doing. Sorry it's almost 2, my mistake. Matt's still trying to cinvince the drunk depressed teen that she shouldn't be alone tonight so i think we're going for a drive now. Maybe when i come back i'll leave a responce about our travels.
Tootles eager readers, and have a sweet night, i mean morning!
Lots of Love, Peace out.

Love and Life

2003-12-04T22:09:00.000-05:00

Ahh the dreaded teen love story, yes i have one as well. It's not really that great, just the usual story- girl falls for guy but doesn't have the guts to tell the guy-guy goes on living without ever knowing about the girl. Pretty much the story of my life.
This time it's hard because he's a genius. I've always been attracted to the intellegent intrevert individuals at my lovely school but this one is diffenerent. He's absolutely brilliant in so many ways but because he's so wrapped up in his life and his own theoretical Philosophical ideals i don't think he'd notice me even if i wrote a sign for him. But i don't have the guts to do something like that-which is kinda sad but i'll survive. I did one of those survey things where they tell you what kind of person you are and one of the question fit me perfectly- Even though you are surrounded by people you love and love you, you feel so alone. My friends help alot of the time, being there and you know being the good friends you never realise you needed until your down in the dumps. Even the dreaded ex-boyfriend comes into play and helps, but this only reminds me of how lonely i am, and how much i need someone to really love me. In a different way.
But my loneliness isn't the issue, well at least not today but more or less my love-f i even have any. I don't think i know what love is and by all means i don't think i love Adam, (the genius) i do like him and find him the most facinating man right now i think-i'm all confumbled (confused) which bings me to my past in love.
The story of Nick, the first i guess you could say 'love' of my life. He and i dated for a very short time, but he's the boy, and i purposly say boy, that i compare all my other 'attempts' at relationships to. He and i got along famously, infact i don't think i've ever been happier (until he cheated) than when i was with him. We were close-ish but he didn't get along with my friends-and well that created problems-but i'm digressing -i Think i might have fallen in love with nick after we broke up. He always comes to me with his relationship problems and well even though we're two very different people i really care about him. I think i might do anything for him-but i know he doesn't care for me the same way. I know him really well,(i hope) and i am truely proud to say that but it doesn't mean much to him which is ok-Love isn't always two ways. I guess it's the kind of forbidden love because i would never let myself be hurt by him again, yet still sometimes when things remind me of him or our time together I really do smile and am Happy.
But like always I am babling about nothing. Like always, but yes i guess the whole point of this entire Post is that Love and Life really don't cooperate together, and if they did things wouldn't be interesting. So i guess i need these problems in my 'love life' or lack there of, so that i dont go mad with boredom.

Enter if you Dare, but you'll find no Substance here

2003-11-24T19:40:00.000-05:00

Today was a bad day. I've been having a hard time, mostly because my headache's returned but i'll live. It's weird, i reaed other people's Blog's and they're all talking about politics, or social problems in society and all i want to do is keep a cheap journal that people can read if they want to. I guess this is kinda like a readers warning, 'Enter in you dare, but you'll find little substance here'. And it's true, it's all teen jabber, but i need ot get it out, and if it creates entertainment for you(ie. the Reader) then by all means entertain yourself with my Frustrating life.

Anyways back to my day. It's been bad, and sad and such. One of my friends was mugged yesterday. I mena what is the world coming to? It wasn't a pleasent retelling of the story either because of their race (which i will not disclose) she's now a bit racist just like her boyfriend. And i really don't like racism, i think it's really pointless but what can you do. She's all messed up (mentally not physically) so that was one thing i had to kinda deal with. ANd i had this horrible math test today! OMG i hate math more than anything else. Especially math teachers, because they understand it and then they expect the rest of us to just get it because they do! it's absolutely annoying. And if you're a math teacher and you're reading this-take pity on your students, we don't get it all the time! And i have to admit my pride gets in my way of asking questions, so yea. But urg! the day was mean. And now i'm home, it's like 5 almost and i'm bored.

Oh yea we just got this foster Dog recently (if you don't unserstand see blog titles 'Border Collie Rescue Ontario') He's not a border collie but he sure as hell acts like one. He's cute, his names Dusty, but he's so damned annoying. He barks ALL night long. I can't get any sleep and he's full of soo much energy. Everything here has been a bit hectic and all but i'll live, i always do. I have to take care of him, well you'll know why when you read the other blog, but yea things are just URG! I guess a part of me wishes i had a boring life but then another part would go mad, literally. Oh ye if you're wondering about the whole issue with my father from my last blog he's not coming tonight for dinner. He kinda hit a deer with his van (i think this one is a good enough excuse) so he kinda doesn't have a way of driving down to see me. It kinda sucks when you hear about an animal being killed by a car, it makes me really sad. But when i hear about people i just kinda shrug it off. Maybe i'm sick? Who knows!! Well i'd better go now and write that blog that i'm telling you to refer to about BC rescue. Hehe. Happy Hunting.

Border Collie Rescue Ontario (yes the reference blog)

2003-11-24T17:03:00.000-05:00

Well as i promised the Reference Blog. Well, i guess the question is 'What the hell is Border Collie Rescue?'

Border Collie Rescue is what you'd call a rescue group(ha no shit sherlock!) And well we rescue Border Collie's in Ontario Canada. My mother is a member and from time to time we rescue BC's (Border Collies) from homes where they can't be properly taken care of, or where they're being abused or from families that can't handle such a high maintenance dog. Now when i hear high maintanance i think 'Poodle Prissy' (sorry to all you poodle lovers) but Borders are different. They're hearding dog's, working dogs that require a fair bit of time and energy. Because of their hearding instinct the average border isn't very good with young children (unless they were raised with them) because they move around alot and they make weird noises and i know when i see a baby i want to make it shut the hell up. But that's just me.

Anyways, Borders are high mentainance and this can cause problems because they are well known for being very smart dogs. And stupid moms and Dad's go out for christmas and buy their little kiddies border puppies and then when it gets home it might be a bit high-strung. So my mom rescues borders. We have two, Jazmine and Moss. Jazzmine is a princess and fits the descriptiion 'bitch' to a 'T' but Moss is our suck. He's absolutely lovely and i love them both to death. (Not litterally)

Now you must be wondering what we do with the collies once we've rescued them. Well we find suitable homes for them. I don't think we've ever had a problem finding a good home for our dogs. We have a website called : http://www.bordercollierescueont.com/ and if your interested just visit the site! Hehe, this isn't propaganda, no! I'm just kidding. It's no profit and it's made my life very different. Although i don't sleep as much as i'd like to. Good luck with stuff, and Happy Hunting.

Frustration 101

2003-11-23T17:04:00.000-05:00

My life is frustrating. Family, school and friends -everyone's got them(those who don't I apologize)and at times they seem like a burden. For me it's almost all the time. My mother's becoming clinically depressed, in my teen daughter opinion, because of the 'family'. She's gone through a divorce so it's understandable but that's not today's frustration. It's my father. My mother and real father separated when I was three, and my mother re-married my dad's good friend, lets call him Mr. A. Mr. A and my mother are getting divorced, just to bring you all up to speed.
Since everything at home is all tense I like to take what I can and get out as often as possible. My real father is one of those things I don't get to see often so I take whatever chance I have to see him. Well, we're supposed to have dinner tonight, my dad, my brother, my mother and myself to talk about how as a family we're screwed. Now I wasn't particularly looking forward to this but it is a chance to see my dad, so what the hell. He called today to tell me that he's not coming tonight, you know why? Because he's helping his friend clean his basement! Now isn't he just the most loving father of all? Makes me wanna kill him, but now that would just cause more teen angst and I don't think I need anymore. I guess I'm disappointed with him. He's always been letting me and my brother down for years but always in things that really didn't matter. Never thought he would go this far! Oh well.